Are Indian Women Denied Individuality?

A few years ago, I used to have a friend called Kusuma (not the real name). She was telling me that her father and brother were forcing her to get married. She was 24 years old and had hardly seen any life at all. She completed her post-grad a couple of months earlier, and she wanted to pursue photography as a career.

Her family was the roadblock. No matter how much she tried to convince or make them understand, they were adamant. She cried. When I told her, “Why can’t you move out of the house and make a living?” She made a face that made me feel like I was the villain, when it was clearly her family.

She surrendered to their pressure and made peace with her decision. It might look like, what’s wrong with that? First, she gave up her pursuit. Second, she got married against her will. Imagine if she followed the path and made it big. What if she gets married when she is ready?

We are living in the 21st century, where technology and civilization have advanced beyond what we could imagine, and we witness stories like Kusuma’s. I met so many women like her who lacked a sense of agency and their individuality is largely tied to approval of others. Even when they know they need to stand up for themselves, they simply bow down.

But most are not aware. They don’t know they have been conditioned to believe and behave in a certain way. Any deviation from teachings, they are not worthy of loving.

I am not saying all Indian women are like this. But many are. Even in the urban cities, it is the same. I had a friend who went to an afternoon party with her college female friends. No drinking, no smoking. Just a regular party. But her father beat the shit out of her for going to a party and later took her shopping. And, the next day, she said she loves her father.

You are loved when you follow the rules and obey. Any signs of disobedience and individuality lead to punishment. Think for a minute, if educated and well-settled families are like this, what about rural families? They are worse.

Most women I met are conditioned and have had cultural and societal norms pushed onto their faces and have been made to feel they won’t be loved and cared for if they are different, and most important of all, they have been made to believe in patriarchy.

Patriarchal rules are set by the men, but they are implemented by the women. When a sexual assault, rape, or molestation takes place, everybody goes after the victim, including the women. They will shame the victim, saying that she would have called for it. Otherwise, why would anyone do such a thing?

You might say, This is the modern world; who would be like that? I was coming home with my classmate from college. I was doing post-grad in Canada. At one subway station, her father called. She got panicked, left her belongings, and ran out of the coach. I was shocked, thinking it might be some emergency. I waited for her in the next station.

She was back in a couple of minutes. When I asked what it was all about, she said her father asked her to check mail. Her father has access to her email address. First, there is no privacy. Second, you can simply send a text saying the same without making someone panic. The ‘remote’ might be in India, but it can operate (remotely) in Canada.

And another interesting incident that happened in Canada. I thought of making a short film in June 2024. I wrote the script and gave it to another classmate. She read it and said she loved it. I asked her, “So, are you interested in being the main protagonist?” She said, I have to ask my father’s permission.

Two weeks later, when I followed up, she said her father didn’t approve it. She went on to say he is a backward thinker, and he doesn’t want me to act. The fact is that it is not a sensual film; there is no touching, and characters barely stand next to each other. What surprised me was that you need someone’s permission to do what you like.

The westerners usually admire India’s family system. But not everything is as glorious as it appears. The dynamics are so convoluted; usually women suffer the most. Be it from choices, careers, marriage, and life in general. They have to think twice before taking any important decisions.

I am not saying that Indian women need to have complete freedoms like in the West. I want them to have the basic freedoms without any strings attached and guilt trips they would be subjected to later. Basic freedoms like choosing their own careers even if they are unconventional, choosing their life partner if he is not from the same caste and does not have much wealth, and, importantly, doing what they like to do.

I must admit that the new generations are questioning the norms and standing up for themselves. They are taking risky careers and accomplishing something meaningful. But for my generation, things have been the same.